Shhh! Secret Life of a Princess

Random, provoking thoughts from a self-confessed princess :: with focus on motivational learnings from the media. I hope to inspire everyone to be the best they can be

Sunday, December 07, 2008

What I've Done?

I never set out on a relationship with the intention to hurt anyone. I treat everyone equal regardless of age, religion and even gender. So much so that I was naive enough to think that I could take males as my 'friends' and I actually trusted them when they said they treat me only as friends. Imagine the horror when I was asked the inevitable question "So, the last time we said we will be friends. And after so long we are still friends...." and I know where this conversation is going to. The problem is I never wanted it to evolve into anything more than friends! For me, it was friends, full stop! I didn't know it was a coma or dot dot dot for the other party. And when someone said something like that, I knew that the friendship would end.

I also befriended someone who I thought could be a very close friend of mine, so much so that I asked him out for dinners, to friends' outings and when he sends me back, I was naive enough to think that he was just doing it merely as friends. I didnt know there was something I need to return for the favors.

I am fortunate to always be the one to dump or leave someone. I have left guys in the lurch in the most horrendous ways. They say "You have to be cruel to be kind" right? I do admit that sometimes I do lead them on, unconsciously. So when the actions they take shows that they are pursuing me, I have to take drastic measures. Have you threw someone's large bouquet of roses into the drain before? Have you threw someone chocolates into then dustbin right in front of his face?

With all these in my past, I didn't realise the immensity of the hurt and grief I could cause to some people I thought I loved. And recently, my actions led to such immense grief and torture to the other party that I myself could not believe how much I have done to him unconsciously. I have sinned without knowing it. After the breakups, I do put myself into their shoes and feel their torment but it will never be as bad as experiencing it on your own. I am sorry to those I have hurt as I didn't know I could hurt anyone so bad from actions that I thought was to make the other party happy. Instead I cause so much torments.

With this, I read this book about a quest for retribution, about how bad can become good again. It is called 'The Kite Runner'. I do know that everyone sins in their own way and there will be no way we can remove our sins. Trust me, it is not as simple as praying in the room every night and all your sins will be taken away. I do regret some actions I took but what's done done and all I can do is do whatever good that I can to make the bad feels better. Reason why I continue donating and contributing as much as possible to the needy and find peace within myself. I now know that if I do not do anything wrong, I will be at peace with myself. And that is what I am set at doing now. And it really helps to have friends next to you while you are at it. :)

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